Riding the Waves of Discomfort

It ebbs and then it flows

I turned 31 this month and had a lot of feelings about it. The older I get, the more I feel like I’m running out of time. The fragility of my mortality is always lurking close behind. I know this sounds morbid, and it isn’t a reality that most people like to acknowledge but it’s something I can’t ignore. Having looked death in the face, I no longer think I’m invincible. I know that nothing is a guarantee. 

At times that can fuel me, but it mostly stops me in my tracks. Fear has a firm grip. I get in my head about what I should be doing, about what I have yet to accomplish. How am I going to squeeze as much juice out of my life as I possibly can? Will I be able to turn it into lemonade? If there’s one thing that grief has taught me it’s how to be with it all. The sadness, the joy, the guilt, the fear, the anger. They all belong. 

During the days leading up to my birthday, I felt immense pressure to make it the best one yet. I thought I should make it big and flashy, but all I wanted was to be warm and cozy at home. So that’s what I did. I read my book and ate Thai food and red velvet cake with my grandmother and aunt. 

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Winter is my least favorite season. I hate the dreary, grey skies. It’s harder to get out of bed. I walk around with a low vibrational sadness without any rhyme or reason. To turn the brightness up, I practice yoga. I get cozy on the couch with my electric blanket, a hot cup of chamomile tea, and a good book. I make a hearty, cozy recipe that feels nourishing. Winter forces me to turn the dreary days into something magical, even if it’s something as small as putting tea in my thermos so I can sip on it while I wait for the bus. Winter has so much to teach me. It feels neverending, but I’m learning how to make it bearable.

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I enter my friend’s birthday party. The room is full of people that I’ve met before, but I still feel out of place. The social anxiety demons start to rear their ugly heads. I’m paying attention to my surroundings, but I’m mostly in my head. I’m overthinking every interaction possible. Should I have said that? You’re being too quiet. Stop being weird. SAY SOMETHING. I don’t know how to take up space so I retreat. I told myself I wouldn’t drink.

I order water to stick to that promise, but I need something to quell my anxiety so after I finish my water, I order one of my friends’ signature drinks, The Age of Aquarius. It has tequila, chinola, curacao, agave, lime juice, and bitters in it. I take a sip and walk back to the group of people I was talking to. A few sips later I no longer feel the anxiety. I feel lighter, talkative, and fun. Someone whom people might like.

A lot of the time discomfort feels painful. It feels unmanageable. My first reflex is to turn away from it. In that moment, I value my comfort over being brave and tackling the challenge, but I’m learning that discomfort is temporary and the long-term benefits outweigh momentary comfort. 

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Things I’m Processing Lately

-I read Maame by Jessica George and Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood. Currently reading Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower by Brittney Cooper. I highly recommend all of them. I felt like Maame was written just for me. I deeply related to the main character, Maddie. Love, Theoretically was a fun romance! Eloquent Rage is teaching me so much about reclaiming anger as a Black woman. 

-I’m rewatching This Is Us and wow this show is ART. The storytelling, the character development, the topics that are covered. It’s just the ultimate comfort show.

-I had the best ramen of my life at Karakatta in the East Village. I loved the atmosphere and how cozy it was. Karakatta is a tight space, but I didn’t feel claustrophobic. It felt incredibly intimate, which was the perfect place to have my birthday dinner.