It's 2024

and the page is still blank

I wake up on my cousin’s burnt orange couch on New Year’s Day. I check my phone, and it’s 9:40 am. I look at my cousin’s bed. She’s on her phone probably checking social media. I don’t wake up feeling like a brand new person. I’m still not a morning person. It still takes me about a couple of hours to fully wake up. 

The night before, we ordered Thai delivery, leisurely walked to Stop & Shop and a market to pick up more snacks and sparkling apple cider to bring in 2024. When I thought about what I wanted to do for New Year’s Eve, I knew I didn’t want to spend it alone. I wanted to delight in someone’s company. 

“What do you want to do today?” my cousin asked me. I think about the day ahead. It kind of feels like staring at a blank page. So many ways to fill it, but I don’t know where to start. 

“I think I want to work on my vision board on Canva and go for a walk.”

We set out to get ready for the day. We walk to a local coffee shop to get tea and then we go for a walk in Van Cortlandt Park. The air is crisp. It’s cold, but I don’t feel it in my bones. It’s a welcoming kind of cold. 

“Do you want to walk around the track or go on the trail?” I decide to walk on the trail. I hate walking on tracks because it feels way too repetitive and boring. I like to stare at the trees and look for animals in the woods. I want to feel like I’m going on a journey. 

We walk for a bit and then we stumble upon a lake full of ducks. The ducks make me think of a scene in Writers & Lovers by Lily King where the main character Casey sees geese at the Boston University bridge. 

“I love these geese. They make my chest tight and full and help me believe things will be all right again, that I will pass through time as I have passed through other times, that the vast and threatening blank ahead of me is a mere specter, that life is lighter and more playful than I’m giving it credit for,” she says.  

When I look at the ducks, I know that peace is accessible. It’s found in the little moments. The crisp air, the sound of my footsteps, my cousin’s presence. They all bring me peace. I need more days like these, I think to myself. 

I need more days where I’m not consumed by what I should be doing. I need more days where I’m not comparing myself to people I hardly know on social media. 

I tend to forget that my worth isn’t measured by my productivity. I’m not here to do, do, do, and go, go, go. I’m here to connect. I’m here to contribute in a way that heals and nourishes. I’m here to marvel at the ducks. 

As our walk comes to an end, I’m reminded of what I truly value in life. It isn’t all about the accomplishments, the accolades, the constant productivity. It’s the beauty, the wonder, the connection, the belonging. 

I hope to always be the kind of person who stops to marvel at the ducks.

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